Yesterday morning, Sam and I had the privilege to attend
Cornerstone Church in the morning as part of our Sunday. In my opinion, that is where it all
began. That’s the church that Francis
Chan pastored, and through that wrote “Crazy Love”. That’s the book that rocked the nationwide
church, and through that made its way into our church. That’s the book that our guys small group
chose to read, and through that started softening and changing my heart. That change is what eventually brought me to
where I am today. It’s neat to trace
back paths and see how everything comes full circle. I love the way God works.
Last night, after spending the whole day wandering around The Oaks (a somewhat
ritzy mall in Thousand Oaks) and its surrounding stores, we had a chance to
attend the college group that’s put on by Cornerstone with one of our
roommates. For how small, unorganized,
and off-the-cuff it was, it was still pretty good. I enjoyed it and plan to go back. I think it’d be a great way to meet
people. But last night, I was challenged
with something that I really didn’t expect.
It all started during a worship song. I forget the exact words to the song, but it was something to the effect of, “God, you’re the only one I love. You have all of me.” As I was singing, it all of a sudden hit me. Do I really mean this? Now before you jump to conclusions about the rest of this blog and start muttering under your breath about an over-preached sermon that convicts people to really feel and mean what they sing, let me explain. Does God really have all of my heart? Is He really the only one I love?
It may be cliché to say this, but I’ll still say it. We give little pieces of our heart away so often that when it comes to giving our heart to God all we have to give is a tiny, ripped-up, bleeding little piece that barely passes as a piece of flesh, much less a beating organ. Years ago, I met a girl who I really liked at the time. We ended up dating, so without even thinking I took my heart out, tore off a small piece, and gave it to her. That relationship ended up failing soon after it began, and I soon found myself trying to tape my heart back together. Soon afterwards, someone else entered my life, and I again tore off another piece of my heart and gave it away. Lovers with different faces and names came and went. Some were real; human. Others were addictions. Still others were material obsessions brought on by greed. With every fleeting happiness that dropped into my life I pulled my heart and emotions off the shelf, ripped off a piece and sold it to the highest bidder. Some pieces would be returned after being mistreated and abused. Those, I would carefully try to tape back together to make something that resembled a heart that I could offer up to God as a living sacrifice. Other pieces never got returned and a piece of my heart is still with who I entrusted to. You can tell those pieces are missing by the small tears in my heart that don’t have a match or the little holes that have nothing to fill them. There’s one more piece that’s been torn off and set aside for the future. That piece is special and only one person will keep it. That piece is for my future wife (if God has that in His plans) and is sitting, waiting to be handled. What I end up with is a mass of flesh that is haphazardly taped together and sewn shut. My emotions that were once innocent and organized are now scattered and confused. My heart that was created to beat in tune only with name of Jesus now beats to the tune of several different lovers. Where did I go wrong?
As I stood there last night, it hit me. The heart that I now offer God is so broken and bruised, beaten and repugnant, that it’s a pitiful excuse for an offering. Just like I mentioned in my last blog, I continually prostitute my heart out to whoever takes it first. So I ask myself, and I ask you, does God really have all of you? I know for certain that he doesn’t have all of me, and that frustrates me.
I think it’s no coincidence that yesterday and today I read in my Bible Paul’s thoughts on marriage in 1 Corinthians. He encourages us not to get married so that our affections won’t be divided and our attention can be solely on Christ instead of split up between Christ and our spouse. He follows that up with saying that if we really must, if we can’t control our physical lusts and desires, then marriage is still an option. Neither is right, and neither is wrong. That’s something that I’ve been challenged with. Before I even plan on getting married I need to be okay with not getting married. If I’m living my life in hope of something that will never come to pass, that’s one piece of my heart that I’ll never get back and God will never hold. I need to be okay with the single-life instead of living in a fantasy.
With that being said, I want to close this out with some lyrics that have broken me over the past month or two. There’s a rock band that hints at indie called My Epic that has some of the most amazing lyrics I’ve ever heard. So full of goodness and truth. I’ve been moved time and time again and know that they’re a band that the Spirit is using for his kingdom. I’ll post the lyrics and the song below. Seriously, scope them. What really bites at me is the last lines, “Find me and wash me cause I can't see the stains. My God I'm so scared cause I'm so fractured but I don’t feel the breaks. Have I loved too many daughters to ever be whole? I'm ashamed that you love me, send grace for the hearts that I stole.”
It all started during a worship song. I forget the exact words to the song, but it was something to the effect of, “God, you’re the only one I love. You have all of me.” As I was singing, it all of a sudden hit me. Do I really mean this? Now before you jump to conclusions about the rest of this blog and start muttering under your breath about an over-preached sermon that convicts people to really feel and mean what they sing, let me explain. Does God really have all of my heart? Is He really the only one I love?
It may be cliché to say this, but I’ll still say it. We give little pieces of our heart away so often that when it comes to giving our heart to God all we have to give is a tiny, ripped-up, bleeding little piece that barely passes as a piece of flesh, much less a beating organ. Years ago, I met a girl who I really liked at the time. We ended up dating, so without even thinking I took my heart out, tore off a small piece, and gave it to her. That relationship ended up failing soon after it began, and I soon found myself trying to tape my heart back together. Soon afterwards, someone else entered my life, and I again tore off another piece of my heart and gave it away. Lovers with different faces and names came and went. Some were real; human. Others were addictions. Still others were material obsessions brought on by greed. With every fleeting happiness that dropped into my life I pulled my heart and emotions off the shelf, ripped off a piece and sold it to the highest bidder. Some pieces would be returned after being mistreated and abused. Those, I would carefully try to tape back together to make something that resembled a heart that I could offer up to God as a living sacrifice. Other pieces never got returned and a piece of my heart is still with who I entrusted to. You can tell those pieces are missing by the small tears in my heart that don’t have a match or the little holes that have nothing to fill them. There’s one more piece that’s been torn off and set aside for the future. That piece is special and only one person will keep it. That piece is for my future wife (if God has that in His plans) and is sitting, waiting to be handled. What I end up with is a mass of flesh that is haphazardly taped together and sewn shut. My emotions that were once innocent and organized are now scattered and confused. My heart that was created to beat in tune only with name of Jesus now beats to the tune of several different lovers. Where did I go wrong?
As I stood there last night, it hit me. The heart that I now offer God is so broken and bruised, beaten and repugnant, that it’s a pitiful excuse for an offering. Just like I mentioned in my last blog, I continually prostitute my heart out to whoever takes it first. So I ask myself, and I ask you, does God really have all of you? I know for certain that he doesn’t have all of me, and that frustrates me.
I think it’s no coincidence that yesterday and today I read in my Bible Paul’s thoughts on marriage in 1 Corinthians. He encourages us not to get married so that our affections won’t be divided and our attention can be solely on Christ instead of split up between Christ and our spouse. He follows that up with saying that if we really must, if we can’t control our physical lusts and desires, then marriage is still an option. Neither is right, and neither is wrong. That’s something that I’ve been challenged with. Before I even plan on getting married I need to be okay with not getting married. If I’m living my life in hope of something that will never come to pass, that’s one piece of my heart that I’ll never get back and God will never hold. I need to be okay with the single-life instead of living in a fantasy.
With that being said, I want to close this out with some lyrics that have broken me over the past month or two. There’s a rock band that hints at indie called My Epic that has some of the most amazing lyrics I’ve ever heard. So full of goodness and truth. I’ve been moved time and time again and know that they’re a band that the Spirit is using for his kingdom. I’ll post the lyrics and the song below. Seriously, scope them. What really bites at me is the last lines, “Find me and wash me cause I can't see the stains. My God I'm so scared cause I'm so fractured but I don’t feel the breaks. Have I loved too many daughters to ever be whole? I'm ashamed that you love me, send grace for the hearts that I stole.”
“Lashes”
A storm is approaching
I know cause I called it on
I'll catch up lovers in my way
That I'll consumes and throw away
cause there's no woman I could love
More than myself
That's why I still sleep alone
Good God I feel empty now
but no one found out
and I never touched her
I'm trusting less in my defense
Cause there's no difference in
the things that happen in my head
and happen in my bed
Oh God
I'm shakin' like a leaf
I'm shakin’
For 27 years now I've been waiting
27 years now I've been keeping my end
But every single gift I ever gave you
is just a bribe so I could get you
to give me what I wanted
it's all kisses and silver
I never cared for innocence just the appearance
Find me and wash me
cause I can't see the stains
my God I'm so scared
Cause I'm so fractured but I don’t feel the breaks
have I loved too many daughters
to ever be whole
I'm ashamed that you love me
send grace for the hearts that I stole
A storm is approaching
I know cause I called it on
I'll catch up lovers in my way
That I'll consumes and throw away
cause there's no woman I could love
More than myself
That's why I still sleep alone
Good God I feel empty now
but no one found out
and I never touched her
I'm trusting less in my defense
Cause there's no difference in
the things that happen in my head
and happen in my bed
Oh God
I'm shakin' like a leaf
I'm shakin’
For 27 years now I've been waiting
27 years now I've been keeping my end
But every single gift I ever gave you
is just a bribe so I could get you
to give me what I wanted
it's all kisses and silver
I never cared for innocence just the appearance
Find me and wash me
cause I can't see the stains
my God I'm so scared
Cause I'm so fractured but I don’t feel the breaks
have I loved too many daughters
to ever be whole
I'm ashamed that you love me
send grace for the hearts that I stole
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