Now that you have an update on my life, let me share a few thoughts with you that God has been pouring into me recently.
Identity is such a loaded word. One of my favorite movie trilogies focuses on a trained assassin losing his and forming an opposite second identity to combat the consequences of the first. When someone says, "Identify yourself", or, "Tell me a little bit about yourself", we can literally mention anything in the entire world that we identify with and be seen as who we want to be seen as. Depending on your identity, people will look at you differently. If you identify as a Steelers fan (yes, I am, deal with it), people already form preconceived ideas on who you are. Maybe they think you are a bandwagon fan and like them because they're one of the most valuable sport franchises in history. Maybe it's their Bowl rings. Then they may associate that to you being arrogant and stuck up. What about music? If you say you like country music, people form a picture in their head of cowboy boots, voices that croon along with the wolves, pickup trucks, beer, horses, and horrible relationship choices. Heavier music paints a completely different stigma. Skinny jeans, tank tops, chains, bracelets, long hair, and tattoos. If you see someone dressed like that on the street don't you paint an imaginative identity on top of them? Don't you have your own expectations on how they treat people? How they act? Words they say? Maybe your identity is school. If you go to a school like Penn State University or even Bloomsburg University (thankyouverymuch) people may associate you with different feelings. Both are party schools, and without even getting to know the person, we paint our own phrases, identities, and stereotypes on top of people attending them. Whether we like to admit it or not, we each have our own identity. We have things we're passionate about. We having things that we identify with, things that get our blood boiling, tears flowing, or emotions rising. We have adjectives we identify with. Things we use to describe ourselves. This is life. We are our own unique individual, and we are all created differently. We all have a different identity.
Identity has been something that has caused me much grief over the past five or so years. When I was younger, I put my identity in relationships. But when they were taken away, my identity was shattered. I found out quickly how easy it was to jump from crowd to crowd. It was simple to be part of one group and take on their characteristics and interests, but then turn around and be part of another group with completely different personalities and interests. Frankly, in the early to mid stages of high school, I had no idea who I was. I was whoever you wanted me to be. Whoever got me the most friends. Whoever made me more popular. I was that. If only I knew then what I know now:
"Identity needs to be permanent for us to have a true sense of who we are."My identity wasn't permanent. It jumped around and changed a lot. Towards the latter two years of high school it really started to catch up with me. My friends all had their identities and their own hobbies. They had things they were interested in and they pursued them. They had ideas of where they wanted to go to school and they researched them. They were thinking about what they wanted to be after they graduated because they had a sense of self-identity. Me? I was clueless. I didn't have any consistent hobbies and I was very impulsive. I had many ideas of what would be fun to do after high school, but none were practical or even permanent. My college choices were dependent on where all my friends were going. I was lost. I didn't know who I was. Because of that, I struggled with social anxiety. I would occasionally have problems in public eating. I couldn't do it. I would be too worried about how I looked when I eat and who was looking at me. Were they judging me by what I was eating? Were my manners okay? One too many times I found myself hiding the gagging that was going on in the back of my throat. I wasn't anorexic. I wasn't bulimic. I was simply very insecure.
After high school, things got worse. I entered out of my Christian school shell that I had been in the past 18 years of my life and entered into the real world working two jobs back to back. Right out of high school I was also hit hard by C. Diff--a virus that destroys your digestive system--and was put on a vegetable and meat diet for three months. It was embarrassing which further pushed me deeper into my insecurity. On top of that, I was entering two worlds I had never experienced before: 1. Workforce, 2. The non-Christian world. Not only was I learning how to adapt to working two jobs, but I was also shoved straight into the face of the real world. My Christian bubble had popped and it was time for me to stand...on my own. I couldn't do it. Because my identity was wrapped up in making sure I looked good, money, and friends--and all those are temporary--my identity was once again shattered.
There is good at the end of my story. Over the past two years, God has been teaching me about how irrelevant who I think I am is, and ultimately who He thinks I am. I have learned that my identity can't be in earthly, temporary things or I will fail. Hard.
"My identity needs to be in a gracious Savior who looks down in incomprehensible and incomparable love at what He sees in me."So much love, in fact, that He gave his one and only son. For me. (John 3:16) He gave His life as a ransom for mine because he loved me so much that He wants to spend the rest of my life and all of eternity with me. On that cross was where the incredible love of God was poured out on mankind through Jesus, the Son. On that cross was where the fearsome and holy wrath of God was removed from our heads and placed on his own son. (Ephesians 2:3) On that cross was where the nails were driven in that created the scars of my redemption on the hands of my Redeemer. Those scars bear my name. (Isaiah 49:16)
My identity is not only a son of God that's been redeemed by grace, but a worshiper. My entire life now needs to be one whole act of worship and devotion in appreciation of the salvation that has been extended to me. My life needs to be a living sacrifice, holy, and pleasing to God (Romans 12:1). Because of that, the way of life that I am now called and devoted to live, I have been set apart, from birth, and called by grace so that I might be a witness to others.(Galatians 1:11-17) I have been therefore set on this race of endlessly giving devotion and honor to Him. That's my identity; that's my life. I am by no means perfect, and I still have a lot of ground to cover, but unreachable perfection is the--I believe--standard, not requirement, that Christ has set for each of us. So I will press on to take hold of that and strive to be all that He is calling me to be. (Phillipians 3:12) I will still have my days where I mess up. I will still have my days where I blatantly choose to dishonor God and bring glory to myself. Occasionally I will choose to satisfy my sinful nature instead of glorifying His heavenly nature, but I have been eternally purchased through blood; a transaction that cannot be undone while I am still in service to Him. Because of this love, those mistakes I make will not be eternally held against me. They will not be my damnation. No, for those in Christ--for those redeemed--there is no condemnation. (Romans 8:1)
Therefore, my identity is no longer in what I look like, how I dress, or how much hair I have on my face. My identity is not in my popularity, how many friends I have, words I say, the figures in my bank account, or the music on my iPod. My identity is not in the movies I watch, the facade of Hollywood stars, or the human skills of athletics or academics. My identity is in continually submitting to God's will in my life, dying to myself (Matthew 16:24), and living to bring Him glory even when it isn't convenient or doesn't make sense.
"My identity is in Jesus Christ. He is the rock on which I stand. What can mortal man do to me? (Psalms 56:4)"
--DyingAnOriginal
Also, as an after thought. This song just came to mind while naming this blog. Uhh...yeah...
All That Remains - Two Weeks
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